Jokes

Oh yes. It's finally here. After a long time in the making the Predict a Score.com jokes section has arrived. Click on the joke title in the table below to go directly to the joke, or if you've got plenty of time go through them all.

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Why women are like football pitches

1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of the play.
2. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald.
3. Remember it is possible to score at both ends.
4. Tacking from behind is not always an offence - check with ground owner.
5. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of Premiership standard but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground.
6. Only some ground offer 5-a-side facilities.
7. Don't ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also never mention pitches previously visited.
8. Extra time is dependant on subsequent pitch bookings.
9. If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact a coroner.
10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back.
11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles.
12. Always ask for leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel. Conversely, DO NOT expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnel to the goal mouth and score. That can leave an awful taste in the mouth of the pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground.
13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies.
14. It is illegal to play of small, un-turfed pitches.
15. From time-to-time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent goalie.
16. Russian grounds are frequently more grassy.
17. French grounds are frequently very nice to look at, however there can sometimes be an awful smell from the terraces which don't get hosed down as often as they should.
18. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes.
19. Be wary of grounds with room for coaches.
20. Always be on the look out for grounds that host ladies football two evenings a week.
21. Pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to 5 days a month, although this can be longer if you piss the owner off by continually asking to play up the good end instead.
22. Players will have to agree personal terms with the club, before being allowed to play on the turf.
23. Always look for a ground that has never been played on before (or at least hasn't had many visits). That said, well used grounds may have better facilities and will really know how to get the best out of a player.

If it was really a mans world...

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the arse and a "Cheers for the sex - now f*ck off" would pretty much do it.
2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
3. Valentines Day would be moved to February 29th, so it would only occur in leap years.
4. On Mothers Day, you'd get the day off to go drinking.
5. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
6. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
7. Every woman that work would have to do so topless.
8. Every man would get four real 'Get Out of Jail Free' cards per year.
9. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
10. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the televised football, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen when the ball goes out of play.
11. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".
12. The funniest guy in the office would get to be the boss of the company.
13. "Sorry, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for absence and/or poor time keeping.
14. Lifeguards could remove females from beaches for violating the "Public Ugliness" law.
15. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
16. Lager would have the same effect as Viagra.
17. "Fancy a shag?" would be the only chat up line in existence and it would work every time.
18. Everyone would drive at least 70mph and anyone driving under that would be fined.
19. Dinner break would happen every hour and the boss would hire in strippers and £2000 per-night brasses for the duration of those breaks.
20. Saying "Lets have a threesome. You, me and your sister" to your wife/girlfriend would get the response, "What a great idea".
21. Harrier jump jets would take you to and from work.
22. Everyone would own a real Light Sabre. Any disagreements would be settled with a fight to the death (or the loss of a hand).
23. Vomiting after 20 pints would actually make you more attractive to the opposite sex.
24. When it was time to leave work, a whistle would sound and you'd get to slide down the back of a Brontosaurus like Fred Flintstone.

The Difference between Men and Women

Nicknames
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut Head and Scrappy.

Eating Out
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none of them will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Money
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

Bathrooms
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Success
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Marriage
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

Dressing Up
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Natural
Men wake up as good looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Offspring
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Thought for the Day
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Conversation
What a woman says: C'mon... This place is a mess. You and I need to clean. Your pants are on the floor and you'll have no clothes if we don't do the laundry now.
What a man hers: C'mon... blah, blah, blah You and I blah, blah, blah, blah, blah on the floor blah, blah, blah no clothes blah, blah, blah, blah now.

Arguments
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument

Cats
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Future
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

100 rules for a man

1. Don't call, ever.
2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's much more fun to let her figure it out by herself.
3. Lie.
4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal such as "spike".
5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them.
6. Here's a good pickup line, "My girlfriends pregnant, will you go out with me?".
7. Drink as much as possible.
8. Play with yourself. Talk about it.
9. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do.
10. Always remember. You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.
11. Lie.
12. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.
13. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help - don't ask. People will think that you have no penis.
14. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
15. Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check your hair, clothing, etc.
16. If you don;t like a girl, but can't think of a good enough reason why, just come up with trite meaningless explanations like, "I don't know, I just don't like her personality".
17. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
18. Two words. Hack and spit.
19. Everyone find a man more attractive if he can write his own name in urine.
20. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her.
21. Tell her you will call. Then refer back to Rule #1.
22. Say things like "Wha...?"
23. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
24. Lie.
25. Deny everything. Everything.
26. Good break up line. "It's not you, it's me".
27. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Because if any of your female friends like you, they'll really want to know.
28. Don't have a clue.
29. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
30. No means yes.
31. Yes means no.
32. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.
33. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations. Improvise.
34. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship.
35. Feelings? What feelings?
36. Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."
37. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything either pretend it's not true or kick their ass.
38. Lie.
39. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day".
40. Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning. Do so.
41. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. If by chance, you have Play-D oh, make sure you make an exact replica of your penis. Measure to make sure it's right.
42. Lie.
43. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. Don't even think about saying it.
44. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.
45. Diss your girlfriend. Beg and please until you get her back. Diss her again. Repeat cycle.
46. Lie.
47. ALWAYS apologise. NEVER mean it.
48. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
49. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriends birthday and eye colour.
50. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.
51. it is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
52. Create new words and phrases to describe genitalia, sex, semen etc.
53. Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel sorry for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue complaining.
54. Lie.
55. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
56. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
57. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction.
58. You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males were born without virginity.
59. You are male, therefore you are superior.
60. Agenda for a boring evening. Get beer. Drink beer. Play with yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.
61. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.
62. Don't ever notice anything.
63. If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU. Then tell her.
64. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
65. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
66. Lie.
67. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong.
68. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you're a man, what do you have to cry about anyway?
69. If the question begins with "Why", the answer is "I don't know".
70. Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.
71. Remember, every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
72. If you ever find yourself in a position where you have been proven wrong, blame others. Come up with creative and believable excuses why they are at fault - not you.
73. Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so". If you hear this phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.
74. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive round until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills.
75. Keep track of how many seconds in your life you have thought about sex. Compare with others.
76. Other peoples pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long and loud.
77. Lie
78. General rule: Different is BAD.
79. If anyone asks you for a favour a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favour you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.
80. Each penny you save will be worth at least a pound in the long run.
81. If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you, casually ask, "is something wrong?".
82. Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend.
83. Lie.
84. If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different places you've been laid in.
85. When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say "God, I was such a pimp back then".
86. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed, Leave and go into her Dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell.
87. If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship.
88. The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top.
89. Practice your blank stare.
90. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your ass. Then, whenever you need one, you can pull it out of your ass.
91. If you're ever forced to show emotion, just pick random emotions like rage and lust and insanity and display them at random, inconvenient times. You wont be asked to do it again.
92. If you are asked to do something you REALLY don't want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you, finish the job in the most half asses way you possibly can and then say "See. I told you I couldn't do it". Eventually people will stop asking you to do things.
93. Work out day and night to make your body even more beautiful than it already is. When people ask if you've been working out, say things like, "No baby, I was born like this".
94. Do not listen to 'pussy music' like Erasure, Color Me Badd, or Oldies.
95. Beer, then more beer.
96. Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.
97. One word: Football!
98. Real men beat up other who are inferior. I mean, we don't want the inferior of the species to reproduce ever, do we?
99. Diss your girlfriends for an occasional night out or 5 with "The Lads".
100. LIE.

New Slang Dictionary 2006

Aeroplane Blonde
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

Aussie Kiss
Similar to a French Kiss but given down under.

Badly Packed Kebab
A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia.

Beaver Leaver
A homosexual.

Beer Coat
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.

Beer Compass
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got there and where you've come from.

Beer Scooter
The ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not remember it i.e. "I don't even remember getting home last night, I must have caught the beer scooter.

BOBFOC
Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

Boiler Suit
The prosecution charge that you did wilfully, and with phallus aforethought, score with a BOBFOC last night. This charge is usually brought by a kangaroo court of your friends in the pub on Saturday night.

Bone of Contention
A hard-on that causes an argument, e.g. One that arises when a man is watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend.

Breaking the Seal
Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10/15 minutes for the rest of the night.

Britney Spears
Modern slang for 'beers' e.g. "Couple of Britney's please, Doreen".

Bruce Lee
Erect nipple (as in, a hard nip).

Budgies Tongue or Small Man in a Boat or Tongue Punchbag
The female erection

Bunny Boiler
An unhinged and overly possessive woman. From the rabbit boiling scene in the film 'Fatal Attraction'. e.g. "I don't like the look of that aeroplane blonde, could be a bunny boiler".

Double Bass
A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then fiddles with the woman's Bruce Lee's with one hand and her Budgies Tongue with the other. The position is similar to that used when playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.

Drink Link
A modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because it is common to visit one before going out on the booze.

Etch-A-Sketch
Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously

Flogging On
Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites

Free the Tadpoles
Liberate the residents of Wank Tanks

Frigmarole
Unnecessary time-consuming foreplay.

F*ckSh*tF*ckSh*tF*ckSh*t
The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed.

Going For a McSh*t
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit with Lies.

Greyhound
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

Hand-to-Gland Combat
A vigorous masturbation session.

Johnny No Stars
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

Millennium Domes
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually f*ck all in there worth seeing.

Monkey Bath
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo!, Aa! Aa! Aa!".

A Mumbler
An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans etc. i.e. You can see the 'lips' moving but you can't quite make out what they're saying.

Mystery Bus
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back.

Mystery Taxi
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with and leaves a 10-pinter in your bed instead.

NBR (No Beers Required)
Someone that you'd chat up instantly in the pub. The opposite of a 10-pinter.

Nelson Mandela
Rhyming Slang for 'Stella'.

One in the departure lounge
The need to defecate imminently.

Pearl Harbour
Cold (weather). An example of it would be "It's a bit Pearl Harbour out there!" Meaning - there's a nasty 'nip' in the air.

Picasso Arse
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

Ragmans Coat
Untidy and unkempt pubic hair e.g. "That mumbler looks quite fit but I bet she's got a kebab like a ragmans coat.

Release a chocolate hostage
To defecate e.g. "I've got one in the departure lounge, so I'm just nipping out to release a chocolate hostage".

Salad Dodger
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

Skin-chimney - see Badly Packed Kebab

Sperm Wail or Spuphemism
A verbal outburst during the male orgasm.

Starfish Trooper or Arsetronaut
A homosexual.

Swamp Donkey
A deeply unattractive woman.

Tart Fuel or Bitch Piss
Bottled Alcopops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.

Ten Pinter
Someone that you'd only chat up after drinking at least 10 pints.

Titanic
A lady who goes down first time out.

Todger Dodger
A lesbian.

Two Bagger or Double Bagger
Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with (1 to cover their head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off).

Up on Blocks
Menstruating i.e. out of action. A bit like a car in a garage e.g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks".

Vagina Decliner
A homosexual

Wallace and Gromit
Rhyming slang for 'vomit'.

Wank Seance
During a masturbation session, the eerie feeling that you're being watched with disgust by your dead relatives.

Wynona Ryder
Rhyming slang for 'cider' e.g. "Pint of Wynona, half a Nelson and a bottle of tart fuel please Doreen".

X-Piles
Unwanted visitors from Uranus.

Murphy's Other Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Torch: A case for holding dead batteries.
14. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

London Tube Train Drivers

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'".

"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right dis way for de sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately towels are not provided".

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

"Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train – put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways"

"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."

"We can't move off because some idiot has their effin' hand stuck in the door"

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

Technical Support

Tech support: Which computer are you using madam?
Customer: A white one...

===============

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....

===============

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

===============

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

===============

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

===============

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

===============

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

===============

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

===============

Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?

===============

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

===============

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

===============

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

===============

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

===============

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."

===============

And last but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT

Pirate

Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!